not a victim : pieces of me

This posts is not explicit but may trigger uncomfortable emotions in some individuals who have experienced abuse.  Please take care of yourself.

I understand
 that long slow spiral into 
the depths of pain and darkness that can open up in your world, follow close behind you as you take each step
.
.
.
I've slid down it 
more than once 
myself.  
Maybe you can feel when it's catching you up
that prickle on the back of your neck
the sensation that if you so much as
glance over your shoulder
then
 it will win
and you'll lose
 everything
including yourself.
Or 
maybe it creeps up so quietly
 that you only register its presence 
after it has swallowed you whole
 and 
you aren't even fighting to get out

.

.

.
I  still slip into that darkness at times, but climbing out 
is a little easier than it used to be, now I know there is 
always
a hand stretching towards me within the dark,
straining right through past the tips of his fingers to reach me.
Sometimes I have to struggle against 
the stories my mind is telling me, 
the names echoing around my head, 
the cruelty and viciousness with which I treat myself, 
and trust instead 
his perception of me
.
.
.
At first I feared losing myself by relying on him,
but now I know he gives me strength.
I lived through infinite curls of pain
a Möbius strip of despair
hatred thick like oil, 
oozing up between my toes with every tentative step
sucking  and
slurping and 
sticky and 
stained
.
.
.
But now I'm free
and clean
standing up
and loved
and needed
no longer alone
and safe
and calm
I'm me
now
I'm me