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Saturday, 15 June 2013

not a victim : fathers day

This posts is not explicit but may trigger uncomfortable emotions in some individuals who have experienced abuse.  Please take care of yourself.

Fatherhood.

Do you think of me?  Did those eight years change the way your mind worked?  Did you reach some understanding that those thoughts swimming around in the swamp of your mind were wrong? A value judgement I know, but sometimes they're justified.  Or did you walk out of those tall metal gates with the same thoughts as when you walked in?  Did your undefeatable pride mean you felt the need to explain, to describe this miscarriage of justice, to protest your innocence to anyone ... everyone that would give you the gift of five minutes of their attention?

Father
Dad
Daddy
Brian
Husband
Parent
Friend


Did you keep any of these?  

Daddy Dad Father Parent
Your son believed you ~ I was told he stood up in court when the word 'guilty' emerged into the air... judgement ... at last.  He stood.  "This isn't justice".  Steadfast in his belief, his opinion, his knowledge, his interpretation.  To recognise your guilt meant to see his own, and the deep crimson rage inside himself, the violence of him, the violence of you in him meant he couldn't let that be.

Brian Husband Friend
Your wife.  Your beloved.  Your soulmate ... eugh.  She lied to me.  She lied to you.  She lied to your son.  She lied to the police.  She lied to the court.  She loved you ... loves you.  Does she see the writhing hatred in you?  The disgust.  The cruelty.  The pain.  The triumph.  The vicious glint in your eye.  The rot in your mind.  Does she care?  Can she feel it ... does she lay next to you in bed and lie even to you?  Do you pretend to believe her?  


Do you live in a landscape of lies?  Shaped by past decisions, actions without consequences, secure in the totality of your control.  Hedges  of softest green, full of thorns to puncture flesh.  Lie after lie after lie piled upon one another, stacked like stones of an ancient wall, keeping each other in place ... but when one disappears, challenged by the truth of life, the rest shake, surely, just a little...  But you have plenty of practice at ignoring those chunks of living that you don't want to see.  



so it's fathers day
happy fathers day
happy fathers day dad
happy father's day daddy
thank you for looking after me
i'm so glad i'm your daughter
so many memories of you
I don't know who i'd be without you
you cared so much
taught me how to be


my dad


dad



you



.





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